Finding Myself Through Fitness—Learning to Love Myself Again

Labor Day Weekend, New York City, 2015 I made the mistake of walking across a crosswalk and trusting the “walk” light instead of looking to make sure there was no oncoming traffic. My friend and I were on our way to meet up with a group of people at a bar in the city. I was at the beginning of my junior year (also known as cow year) at West Point and I was in the best shape of my life.

I used to love running. I would run six of the seven days of the week. It was an addiction. It was my high. No matter what I could end the day with a run where my mind would go numb and my legs would take me to where I needed to be. The 6th of September of 2015 was the last day I found love in running. I got hit by a car and had to get three surgeries on my leg and foot within the year. The doctors said there was a very slim chance I would ever run again.

I spiraled into a depression after the accident. I had lost a part of myself. I had lost my physicality. Not to mention I was eating at the same rate as when I used to run and lift every day. I started to gain some bad weight. The strain of recovery and continuing as a cadet was getting to me.

I was conducting physical therapy, but it still took nine months for to get me walking—with a heavily pronounced limp. I started replacing my love for exercise with an unhealthy appreciation of carbs in all forms while somehow maintaining my weight under the Army allowance—22% fat. I was treating myself like shit.

By March of 2017 I was able to recover to the point of being able to pass both the Army Physical Fitness Test and the Indoor Obstacle Course Test in order to graduate and commission as an officer.  I transitioned to Basic Officer Leaders Course where I was downing a bottle of Advil a week and taking ice baths every time we had to run in order to make it through. My leg consistently throbbed with pain until I graduated BOLC and was put on permanent profile.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I wasn’t happy with what I saw. In all other aspects of my life I was the happiest I have ever been. I was newly married to an amazing, loving husband. I was finally starting my career. I was taking charge of my life and was ready to take charge of myself. I wanted to live a long, healthy life with my husband. I wanted to feel good and confident. So I then decided to go on a diet and start light exercise in addition to Army PT in January of 2018.  I was 192lbs.

I took it slow and lost around 12 lbs. of bad weight by March and then stayed pretty consistent at 180 lbs. (20% body fat) until November of 2018. By January of 2019 I was at 178 lbs. (18% body fat). March of 2019 I was 168 lbs. (12% body fat) and by May 2019 161 lbs. (9% body fat).

Not only have I lost weight, but I fell in love with physical fitness again. I fell in love with hard work and hard earned results. I spent serious time and sweat in the gym. I combined cardio and weightlifting with intermittent fasting and the keto diet in order to achieve results (though I did cheat once a month. You gotta have a goal).

Now this point I can squat 245lbs, bench 205 lbs., and deadlift 300lbs and am 161 lbs. (12% body fat). It’s a ways from where I started and I have many more PRs to achieve, but I am so happy to see progress.

I took a part of myself back that I had lost on September 6th of 2015. I will never be able to find the joy in running that I used to have. But I did find my physicality again. It’s like seeing an old friend that you have missed for years.

I pledge to stay on this path and stay healthy. I want to live a long, wonderful life with my supportive, crazy husband.